When someone you care about says they have cancer, you probably want to say just the right thing.
It’s knowing what that thing is that’s hard.
I’m sorry? You’ll beat this? How could this happen?
With more than 2 million new cancer diagnoses projected in 2026, friends, colleagues and family members could find themselves searching for the right response to that life-changing news – sympathetic without being a downer, supportive without veering into toxic positivity.
But it’s not the right words that matter most, says psychologist Valentina Ogaryan, PhD, clinical director of the Simms/Mann UCLA Center for Integrative Oncology, which provides free psychosocial support for people with cancer and their families, from the time of diagnosis through survivorship.
“It’s really about being able to show genuine empathy and show up with presence,” she says. “I think the most supportive and helpful responses anyone can have are super simple and honest.”
For example: I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Or: That sounds incredibly hard.
“What’s important about simple, honest and genuine responses like those is they acknowledge the reality of the diagnosis without immediately trying to fix it,” Dr. Ogaryan says.
It may even sound like, “I’m not sure what to say right now, but I care about you.”
Avoid these well-intentioned mistakes
It’s natural to want to reassure our loved one that they’ll be OK. We want to be helpful, offer solutions and alleviate their suffering. But resist the urge to be overly optimistic, give advice or share your cousin’s/neighbor’s/friend’s experience with a similar diagnosis, Dr. Ogaryan says.
“That can feel completely disconnecting,” she says. “In those early moments when someone is disclosing for the first time, it’s really important to listen without judgment, without interruption, without an agenda.”
She also suggests avoiding any statements that begin with the words “at least” – as in, at least they caught it early, or at least you have health insurance.
“I always tell loved ones: if you're going to start a sentence with ‘at least,’ we're already kind of probably not in the right territory,” she says. “This unintentionally invalidates the patient's current lived experience of the here and now.”
Process your own feelings
In investigating why we’d want to say “at least,” we may discover we’re motivated by our own uncomfortable feelings. News of a cancer diagnosis can bring up fear and thoughts of mortality. It can also trigger memories of other relationships where someone received challenging health news.
“It’s totally normal to feel uncertain and nervous yourself” in the face of a loved one’s cancer diagnosis, Dr. Ogaryan says. “But we don’t want to create more burden on the patient who’s experiencing the diagnosis to think about how they’re going to take care of us, too, in that moment.”
The Simms/Mann Center offers support groups for family members, loved ones and caregivers of people with cancer.
Offer specific assistance
“Let me know if you need anything” seems like a perfectly kind and generous thing to say. But it may not actually be that helpful, Dr. Ogaryan says.
A cancer diagnosis is often so overwhelming that someone may not know what exactly they need, or they may not be able to express it.
Instead, offer something specific, she suggests: Can I bring over groceries next week? Can I drive you to your next appointment? How about I take the kids for a few hours this weekend so you can relax?
Studies show that having tangible support reduces stress more than vague offers of help, Dr. Ogaryan says. Offering concrete choices allows the person to simply say yes or no or offer an alternative.
Follow their lead
Some people may want to share all their feelings about their diagnosis. Others may not want to discuss it at all and prefer to chat about the news or the latest celebrity gossip.
Whether the person experiencing the diagnosis is a family member, a close friend or a more casual acquaintance, showing up with empathy means following their lead, Dr. Ogaryan says.
Once you’ve expressed that you care about them and their experience, let them steer the conversation. You can tell them that you’re ready to listen if and when they want to share, and that not sharing is fine, too.
The same goes for physical touch. You can offer companionship, or even a hug, and let the person decide what would be best.
It’s about “honest presence” more than anything, Dr. Ogaryan says.
“There is no perfect script,” she says. “What matters is just showing up and being willing to listen.”
